The way I see it, I’m a Stanford MBA graduate, former Consultant, and current businessperson who just happens to be African-American and, further, my insights/advice are applicable regardless of the racial background of a given reader. That said, every now and then, I’ll receive an email from a reader who has questions that are firmly about race and, in those cases, I’ll respond from the “Black guy” perspective. The email below is an example of that.
OK, now on to the email… I received this message from a college Freshman who attended a talk that I gave a few months ago. As a Freshman, he was/is still finding his way in the world and, as a young Black kid, he identified with a lot of what I said about my background and how I made it to where I am today. When I met him in person, we exchanged pleasantries and I didn’t think I’d hear from him again, so I was pretty surprised when I received the message below. As you’ll see from my response, I didn’t exactly agree with the starting premise for his email, but I did think that he asked a solid question and, as such, I did my best to give him a thorough reply.
[Incidentally, I considered adding this kid to my long list of mentees, but it took him over 2 months to respond with a “Thank you” and some pitiful excuse for taking so long to reply…so, I basically put him in the “done with this kid” pile.]
Before you start reading this, I should warn you that both the original email and my response to it are fairly long, but I think they’re definitely worth the read.
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RP wrote:
Hey Marquis,
My name is RP and we met just very briefly […] the other day. I really liked the advice you gave about asking when its time to leave a company and about meeting the influential people at whatever job I get and just taking them to lunch.
This email originally started out as a “thank you†email, then I started to have questions I wanted to ask you, then I started to have to give you background on those questions so you have some context to use to answer them. Now, as I look over this, it looks like my whole life story. So in case you don’t have time to read this, but I really hope you will, here is my question. If you would like some context to answer it with then read below. Thanks Marquis.
Question: “I guess my goal in this email is to hopefully get some advice as to how I can be successful while dealing with the fact that I don’t really fit into the culture of white people because I am black, or the culture of black people because I have a “white†upbringing. Also, how can I be successful when my parents haven’t allowed me to [mess up] and that’s what you attribute so much of your success too. Also, if you know of any people like me that have done well for themselves in the corporate world and how they did that. “
Context/my life story/a little bit about me/other things I liked about your presentation:
Honestly, the part of your presentation that stuck with me the most wasn’t in the content, but more in how you carried yourself. You are young as hell and still have turned out to be crazy successful essentially through [messing] up a lot. From the way you made it sound, a lot of that comes straight from being as confident and personable as you are. This stuck with me because I feel like we have a lot of stuff in common that way. While I am a smart kid, […] I only got to where I am, by getting to know the smart kids in the right way […]. I’m not always the smartest guy in the room but I know where to find the answers to what I need to know. I was [successful in high school] because I was popular, but not in the classic sense of the word, but rather I could sit down at any table at lunch and have a fun conversation with whoever else was there. However, I am still kind of looking for a mentor that is a little more like me even than you are.
Where we differ is how you grew up. I know I have as much motivation as you had, but you came from much more humble beginnings than I did. My parents were very much like you, coming from very poor families trying to make some money ([both parents are doctors]). But I feel like I kind of fall through the cracks when it comes to being successful, especially in the context of being black. Being from [the suburbs] I have ALWAYS been the only black kid in my classes. I’m also on the swim team, which, unsurprisingly, has no other black kids. Long story short, I have had to deal with being the only black kid in the room my entire life. As a result, I definitely feel really insecure; like people only think I am where I am because I am the token black guy. Also, as a result of being the only black guy in the room everywhere, like you, I have gotten realllllll good at pretending like I am comfortable when I go places and meet people.
I have never had to really deal with failure in my life. I have never really [messed up]… There has honestly never been a goal that I’ve wanted to acheive that I haven’t achieved. It seems like these days, everyone who is black and as successful as you are, has come from a poor background and [messed up] a ton to get to where they are. How can I be successful like you, when my parents messed up so much that they have been extra careful to make sure I don’t mess up? Nothing really has ever gone other than I planned in my life and I feel like that takes away a certain edge that may be what differentiated you from all the people who you outperformed. I know I am doing all the right things by getting good grades, getting involved, meeting people, etc., but that just makes me like everyone else who has probably emailed you over this past week and I just don’t know how to differentiate myself.
SO, my question still stands:
Question: “I guess my goal in this email is to hopefully get some advice as to how I can be successful while dealing with the fact that I don’t really fit into the culture of white people because I am black, or the culture of black people because I have a “white†upbringing. Also, how can I be successful when my parents haven’t allowed me to [mess up] and that’s what you attribute so much of your success too. Also, if you know of any people like me that have done well for themselves in the corporate world and how they did that. “
I hope you can help me out, because your advice is really interesting, but if not then I at least would like to thank you for your time.
Best Regards,
RP
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My response:
Hi RP,
I hope this message finds you well. I’m sorry that it took me so long to get back to you with a response to your message. I’ve been swamped at work lately and, given the type of question that you posed, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t rush through it. This question deserves a thorough reply with some thought behind it.
Your email had a lot in it and it wasn’t very structured, so I’m going to try to structure it into parts that I can tackle individually. From reading your message, I see three main issues:
- Dealing with concerns about not truly fitting into the white culture (because you’re Black) or Black culture (because you had a “white upbringing”)
- How to be successful when your parents haven’t allowed you to mess up and get those “hard knocks” lessons that many of us out in the world have gotten
- Whether I know people who came from advantaged backgrounds like yours who became successful and how they did it
OK, first things first, let’s get to your issue with fitting into different cultures. Before diving into this point, I have to mention something related to my initial reading of your email as it relates to this subject. Why does coming from a household with two successful parents and growing up in the suburbs have to equate to a “white upbringing”? I know that you probably just used that term because you think that’s how other Black folk would characterize it, but that type of statement really irks me. That sort of thinking basically says that working hard and being productive in order to give one’s kids the kind of life that he/she didn’t have is somehow a form of selling out…as if the only people who can provide a good life for their families are white folks. Straight up crabs in a barrel, man…and, with that kind of mindset, Black folk will never truly get ahead as a people. As folk say in the ‘hood, “this is why Black folk can’t never have nothing”.
Please don’t think I’m snapping on you here. I’m more just venting in general because I really do believe that this viewpoint is destructive to the African-American community. Sadly, I used to be the kind of dude that would have hated on you for having such a great upbringing, but that’s because I was a guy who grew up broke and had a “broke ass” mentality. Now that I’m 15+ years removed from all of that, I truly aspire to create that sort of environment for my kids (when I have them, that is) and want to set them up with every opportunity possible. If that means that I’m giving my kids a “white upbringing”, then I’m totally fine with that and will have to teach them to be proud of stepping out on that “Carlton Banks” swag. 🙂
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I’ll move on to your issue. In my opinion, the way to “be successful while dealing with the fact that [you] don’t really fit into the culture of white people…or the culture of black people” is to put your focus squarely on the ‘success’ part of that statement and not on the ‘culture fit’ part of it. I know that that’s easier said than done, but, if you don’t, you’ll end up letting your insecurity take your eye off the ball and make it more difficult to reach your goals. It may be tough to face the idea of feeling stuck in between two cultures as at your age, but, as you get older, you’ll see that you’ll face many more obstacles and, in terms of priority, the culture fit one won’t be at the top of the list.
As I alluded to above, as you walk through life, there will be Black people who look at you and won’t want to be your friend because they don’t think you’re real enough. And, there will be white people who will look at you and won’t want to be your friend because you’re too different from them. You just have to accept that as fact and be OK with letting those people fall by the wayside. One day in the future, you’ll be in a cushy corporate job on big baller status and those people who judged you without getting to know you will regret it. Looking ahead to that future will make it easier to move through the present.
I understand your concerns about not necessarily feeling like you fit into the white vs. Black culture because of your race and upbringing, but my advice to you is to not waste time worrying about things that you can’t control. Instead, focus on being the best person that you can and allow the rest of the world to fit to you. Eventually, once you change your mindset and become more comfortable with who you are regardless of what culture you fit into, you’ll find that you will be able to float seamlessly between different environments. At least, that’s how I do it on a day-to-day basis.
For your second point, I know that I attributed the art of the screw-up as the key to my success in education and career, but, just because your parents didn’t let you master that art, it doesn’t mean that you are somehow facing an impediment to a bright future. On the contrary, the fact that you came from a “Cosby” type of background is a much more preferable starting point than some of your peers have.
I’m sure that your parents gave you advice along the way to help you fit into an environment of highly educated, professional people and, if so, that would firmly place you at the starting line for your career. Despite being of a different racial background from the majority of folks in business, you likely have more in common with them than you think. You’ve had many of the same experiences of other people that you’ll meet in school and in the business world and, as a result, you may have a good starting point to kick off conversations and build relationships.
Thinking back on my own experiences, a lot of this stuff was foreign to me and I had to figure it out along the way, which was a very inefficient way of making my way through the game. This is something that you shouldn’t feel bad about having at your disposal because, once upon a time, I would have given my left arm to have a background like yours that would make it easier for me to fit into the academic/business environment. Don’t slouch on the value of the life that you’ve lived in terms of preparing you for the future. Although you don’t have the humble, “underdog” background that motivated me to be great, you should still be able to find success because you’ve been set up to do so.
The key is to look at the path that your parents set up for you and run straight down that joint without distractions. Don’t dwell on the fact that your parents may have given you a more direct road to success than some of your peers. That’s not a bad thing, so use it to your advantage and avoid many of the pitfalls that others like myself faced as we made our own moves. Be happy that you have had things hit on all cylinders so far in your life because I’d bet that 99% of us who went through some kind of struggles would want our kids to have triumphs similar to yours. Just because I attribute a lot of my success to messing up over and over and over, that doesn’t mean that this is THE way to do it. Trust me when I say that I would have seriously preferred to have walked down the path of least resistance.
On to your third point… I know LOTS of Black folk who have come up from advantaged backgrounds and become successful. In fact, that’s pretty much the norm from what I’ve seen. Of course, you’re different in having come from a Black two-doctor household, but the idea that you are uncommon isn’t exactly valid. In fact, I’d say that I’m an outlier in being a guy who grew up broke without a clue about much of anything careerwise and pretty scrapped his way upward to where I am now. Take comfort in the fact that you aren’t an “endangered species”. Lol!
I could be wrong, but I’d say that my friends from more well-off backgrounds had a rather straightforward path toward success in a corporate setting. It’s amazing how much having parents who know how to play the game can do to prepare a person for a successful career. My guess is that everything that I said in response to your second point came into play for these people. They were set up with a good foundation by their parents and, after that, they set goals for themselves and then worked their butts off to meet and exceed those goals. Net-net, you’ve got to recognize that you are in a much better position to kill it out there than someone like me would have been at your age. Once you see that, you’ll find that all you have to do stay focused on your goals and the rest will work itself out.
Ok, that’s about all that I’ve got. I hope my words above have been helpful as you think through your own approach to the rest of your Freshman year and beyond. Good luck!
Marquis
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